Let’s Talk Battlebots

This is the content you need today. Take a moment. Enjoy yourself. Battlebots is on the Discovery Channel and if you’re not watching it you are a sucker. Battlebots ought to be the national pastime. Nobody uses HGH, nobody gets a concussion. Fighting robots get destroyed.

I would like to share with you some of the fighting robots from this season along with their owners/builders/operators. If what I write seems mocking, believe me when I say I have a great affection for these robots and the people for making them. It is all in fun. I love this damn show. It is the only show.

captainshrederator

This is Captain Shrederator. Look at this majestic American Beauty ™. In some ways the Captain is just like the USA, in that it’s completely unwieldy and hasn’t had a victory at all this season.

predator

This is Predator and its’ builders, the inspiration for the three nerds in that Simpsons episode where Homer goes to college.

battleroyalewithcheese

This is Battle Royale With Cheese, created by the Shitty Halloween Costume delegation. Notice the rotating blade that looks like a slice of bacon.

sawblaze

This is Sawblaze, one of the top contenders to win the 2018 championship. If this team’s story were made into a Hollywood film, the Asian-Americans would be portrayed by ScarJo and Tilda Swinton.

sharkoprion

This is Sharkoprion and yes THE TAIL IS A WEAPON! These old hippies made a robot out of recycled parts, including the spinning saw in the front. Glorious. Yes, they have seen Dead & Company and no it’s not the same without Jerry.

duck

This is Duck. This guy Ducks.

yeti

Here is Yeti. You see that spinning drum? It can get up to 4000 RPMs and it has SPIKES on it. Sometimes it hits other robots so hard that it knocks itself out. It’s the 2004 Jermaine O’Neal of Battlebots.

deviledegg

I dunno, folks.

ultimodestructo

Here is Ultimo Destructo, which sounds like the kind of name a child would come up with. I approve. Children should be naming these things. Sharkoprion is too literary and Battle Royale With Cheese is too clever. Dumb childlike names are cool.

tombstone

This is Tombstone, the big bad of Battlebots. You can’t mess with Tombstone. The guy on the left is the chief builder and he’s as close to a bad guy as Battlebots gets. If this robot could wear a shirt, it would say “I AM A MOTHERFUCKER” and it would beat up strangers on the bus.

kraken

Here is Kraken. What a silly-looking robot. The kids shouldn’t be made to stand near this abomination. This is the server staff that sings Happy Birthday to you at the nautical-themed family restaurant.

warhead

Finally, we have Warhead from the British delegation. This thing looks like a cyborg half-way through a transformation. It looks like a junk sculpture that would be sold to some coked-out investor for waaaayyy too much money.

 
When Shark Week on Discovery is over, you gotta start watching Battlebots. New episodes on Friday. You’ll love it. It’s a way of life.

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The Bitch In Matt Bevin

Any last words before I hit the switch 
From the immortal words of one, a bitch is a bitch – Common

Fuck that, ’cause like Common and Cube, I see the bitch in you
And I’m a make the world see it too, motherfucker -Canibus

Matt Bevin has shown himself to be a bitch ever since his election to the governor’s office in November 2015. This has been a long story and it is by no means over.

 

Republican Kentucky Gov. Matt Bevin is throwing a temper tantrum because a federal judge struck down his plan to add work requirements to Medicaid. His response? Taking away dental and vision benefits from nearly 500,000 people.Splinter

 

What a sad little man Matt Bevin is. He filed for that waiver shortly after he entered office. In the summer of 2016, the state held three policy meetings on the waiver, in Frankfort, Bowling Green and Harlan.

 

By coincidence, I was the very first called to speak at the Bowling Green meeting. I can tell you that literally none of the dozens who spoke at that meeting supported that waiver proposal. The Benefind plan (created during the Steve Beshear administration) was a great example for the rest of the country of how Medicare could help citizens. Kentucky has some of the country’s highest obesity rates, diabetes rates, you name it.
Bevin has dismantled Benefind by coming up with KyNect, and making people work for their health care. Never mind that many Medicare recipients either cannot work or already work full-time but can’t afford private insurance. It either hasn’t occurred to Bevin or it has occurred to him and the bitch in him wants to take it out on everyone.

It’s almost as if people with no government experience shouldn’t be elected to high office or something. Maybe Bevin should have started as a state congressman or dog catcher and worked his way up like most people who want to be in politics but aren’t millionaires.

Being from private business, Bevin doesn’t get that he doesn’t own Kentucky. A businessman buys a property, he wants to knock down some walls, paint some other walls a different color, rip out the carpet, etc. etc. This isn’t his property. He still doesn’t realize that he works for Kentucky.

Or he doesn’t care.

The way I see it, we’ve got sixteen more months of this bitch-made motherfucker before the Kentucky gubernatorial election of 2019. We have to vote the bastard out. He was the canary in the coal mine that brought us Trump and brought Brexit to the UK. I feel with all my heart that as important as the 2018 midterms will be, Kentucky in 2019 is the bellwether for the rest of the country.

It’s Only Up To You

This song by the Sensational Alex Harvey Band has been for years the song I go to in moments of deep sorrow.

I’ve seen stars disappear in a hurry

overdoses in satin and silk

mnuchin

some others who can’t feed their children

’cause they don’t have the money for milk…

homelessfamily

 

There are some folks got nothing to live for

Some folks got nothing to lose

So don’t ask me for pity

fucyourfeelings

No complaints department blues

There is no complaints department

It’s only up to you


 

In the wake of the last few days of news, it must be stressed. It’s only up to us. We can’t wait for the cavalry. We are the cavalry. We can’t depend on the Democrats, the mainstream media, or the courts. Even if Robert Mueller has the blood that was on Trump’s hands in his possession, it may not be enough.

It is up to us and it always has been but never has it been clearer than right now. Every day feels like a setback but if we push back then we might eventually get America to be what we were told it was when we were children.

I Know Who Killed Me (On twitter)

I give up. You win, twitter. Fuck you. I did what you asked me to. I deleted the bullshit tweet that made fun of Donald Jr. but I still couldn’t post. I could look around and post PM to friends but I couldn’t tweet or RT.

Why would I want to use twitter when I can’t tweet or RT? What’s the point? Fuck you.

I appealed my suspension but my appeal failed so I conceded and deleted the tweet. Fuck you. You have actual fucking Nazis and fascists on your platform. And I’m suspended. I’m now unable to tweet for another week because I tried to tweet a Kentucky state senator for talking shit to me.

Which reminds me. . . I think I know who reported me. It was not Sady Doyle. She’s now following me. I didn’t expect that. I probably agree with her on more stuff than I don’t but I’m still surprised.

I think it was my state senator Joe Bowen who reported me. Bowen is retiring at the end of this term and not a moment too soon, as he voted for the unpopular pension reform plan. Last week, I called him and Matt Castlen (my representative who also voted for the bill) frauds. While I was suspended, Bowen sent me a tweet basically calling me an internet tough guy. I tried to reply and tell him I would be glad to call him a fraud in person and I think I’ve extended my non-tweet-or-RT by another week.

Fuck that, fuck twitter, fuck Matt Castlen and double-fuck old Joe Bowen. Matt Castlen is the heir to Joe Bowen’s seat in the state senate. NO HE IS NOT. I’m voting Bob Glenn in November and I’m not even thinking twice about it.

Joe Bowen, if you have Google alerts, I’ll be glad to meet you in person to call you a fraud. You think I’m a twitter tough guy. You look you died years ago and you haven’t caught on yet.

bowenlooksdead

It’s easy to be pro-life when you’re a zombie

I Regret Nothing

Today this happened. Warning: trigger words in the image below.

yourdadisgayandretarded

I’ve appealed my suspension but as of now I am suspended for the next seven days from twitter. twitter might be doing me a favor. All I have to do is delete that tweet and I can be unsuspended. No. Fuck them. twitter needs its’ users more than we need them.

I sort of enjoy the idea that Don Jr. is sitting at home going through his mentions and reporting people because he doesn’t have anything better to do. His wife left him, she took the kids. He’s sad, alone, eating takeout, crying to twitter about what the bad man said. There are actual nazis on twitter.

By the way, they can capitalize “twitter” all they want. I won’t. They don’t deserve it. And it’s not like I’m making fun of gays or the disabled. I’m making fun of Donald Jr. and his shitty dad. I should know and do better but in this case, I regret nothing.

Ohhhhh. . . it just occurred to me that I called out author S@dy D0yle for vanity searching on Reddit last night. Perhaps she is the one who went through my history and reported whatever she could scrounge up. That tweet about Don Jr up above is from May 31. It’s June 14th. You’d think somebody would have been upset about that way sooner than two weeks later.

I am could be one of the few people on Twitter who has been reported by both S@dy D0yle and G@vin Mc!nnes. I have to type it like that so it won’t crop up in their Google alerts. If you’re gonna vanity search yourself, you will have a very bad time.

America Sucks From A Shitpipe

Yesterday, celebrity chef and television host Anthony Bourdain committed suicide at the age of 61. This news coincided with a CDC study that American suicide rates have increased 25% nationwide since 1999. My home state Kentucky’s suicide rates have increased 36.8% in that time, making the commonwealth the tenth ranked in the country in suicides per capita.

In the last twelve hours I have come across some truly shitty takes as to why people are committing suicide more than they used to. It’s as if everyone raced to the computer to fire off the shittiest word salad they can conjure with barely a half-thought. Meanwhile I’ve taken about fourteen hours to conjure up this which makes this a lukewarm take.

I have a theory as to why more and more people are committing suicide in America: because this country sucks from a shitpipe.

Don’t believe me? Let’s take a look at what has happened since 1999 in this dumb fucking hellhole.

  • Gore won the election but Bush went to the White House because the fix was in from Roger Ailes and Katherine Harris
  • 9/11
  • Starting a war in the middle east that our military is still engaged in despite using obviously faked evidence as a pretext
  • This is also when we opened Gitmo
  • Hurricane Katrina
  • Increasing frequency of mass shootings
  • The economy goes tits up
  • The middle class is gradually dismantled
  • We elected Obama who ran on a platform of CHANGE but he turned out to be about 20% to the left of Bush
  • In his defense, Obama comes up with the Affordable Care Act and signs Dodd-Frank. Fortunately, his political opponents take it in stride
  • Citizens United… oh boy
  • Opiods become the new meth
  • Meth is still around, though
  • More hurricanes
  • More and more mass shootings
  • Social media makes it where we can learn all the bad news FASTER
  • Good news, gang! Gays finally have the right to get married now! Evangelist radicals take it in stride, no problem.
  • The craziest assholes get the biggest platforms
  • Alex Jones says there’s a lab where frogs are turned gay with science
  • Stagnating wages
  • Goldman Sachs, go fuck yourselves
  • Nationwide obesity and diabetes rates increase
  • Clinton won the election but Trump went to the White House because the fix was in from a massive international syndicate
  • Apparently, we are Russia’s bitch now
  • There’s a pee tape and we can’t see the fucking thing
  • You learn that a 40-hour work week at minimum wage can’t buy shit
  • Baby boomers trash you for being lazy, anyway
  • Your college loan debt is a science-fiction epic
  • That Stanford rapist was sentenced to prison for about seven minutes
  • There’s a mass shooting every other day practically
  • And a bunch of other stuff I don’t want to recall because it’s too goddamn depressing
  • WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE IT WAS ALWAYS BURNING SINCE THE WORLDS WERE TURNING!

You can start to see how American life gets on top of people. When the dissonance between your inner doom and the asshole on TV telling you that America is the greatest country that God ever invented. You look around the town where you live and see how bad things are and it doesn’t fit with the news that the Dow Jones hit a new high today. You know you’re being lied to and all you really want is two things: for somebody to be upfront and honest with you, and for someone to treat you with some humanity.

I would leave the US if I could. I don’t love it, but I can’t afford to go. It wouldn’t be the end of mine or your problems. But maybe if this was a better place, it wouldn’t exacerbate the problems you already have.

I don’t blame anyone for checking out early. They’re not weak or cowards. They’re just pressing stop on a shitty movie. We are not much better than the countries we call our enemies, in that our country does the bare minimum to give its residents a viable way of life.

My generation watched the plug get pulled on a vegetative American dream. Hopelessness and helplessness are far for the course.

I Bring Good News From My Bandcamp

I bring a sliver of good news to you in these shitty times.

My bandcamp is up and running. You can buy the Kentucky Prophet album “Beyond The Fringe” for $7.

In time I will also release other music I have made. Kentucky Prophet, Mr. Neutron, you name it. . . going all the way back to 1997. From the indie-released to the self-released to the never-released, I will finally share it with you, one piece at a time. Some of the pieces are better than others.

Technology Vs. Horse’s music is already on bandcamp but that is only part of my story.

“Beyond The Fringe” was initially self-released in 2007. Produced by DJ Cappel and Smitty, it contains fan favorites like “It’s A Wonderful Life” and “I Sell Drugs To Celebrities”.

This digital release comes with a bonus track from the “Fringe” sessions, “Valet Parking At The Polo Lounge”.

I’m finally going to let you hear my life’s work. This is exciting.

A Handsome And Intelligent Man

I’m listening to my very first EP from 1998. Egad, it’s terrible. Just kidding. It’s brilliant and amazing and I had it all figured out at such an early stage. No really, it sucks but it should suck.

The music was performed using the canned beats from a Casio keyboard. I was 19 and Marky E was 16 and neither one of us could play an instrument but what we could do… I don’t know if we could do anything, actually. We just tried. Two of the songs weren’t even written. They just happened.

We sang about rednecks, scenesters, goth kids, and cybersex. (in 1998, we couldn’t just send dick pics to each other over the phone… we didn’t have Snapchat. We had AOL.)

These songs are stupid as shit. I could still write these kind of songs if I wanted to. Just now I came up with something while waiting for something to microwave…

 

I’m getting gay with your dad

I’m getting gay with your dad

We’re gonna get in the truck

I’m gonna learn how to fuck

I’m getting gay with your dad

GET IN THE TRUCK

LEARN HOW TO FUCK

GAY WITH YOUR DAD

 

I could write that kind of shit all day every day. I’m trying to progress artistically, alright? You people don’t understand me at all.

There are hardcore Metallica fans who want to hear their earliest demos, like recordings from before their first album. Metallica is probably “what the fuck, we’re way better than that now… why do you still like our first album so damn much? Let it go.” Because the earliest stuff you do is gonna feel kid’s play compared to when you get good if you ever get lucky enough to get better at music.

At least Metallica could play guitars and stuff. This thing I did… is just a dummy with a Casio who listened to too much Dead Milkmen and Public Enemy and his friend who’s just along for the ride.

Is there any historical value to my first EP? No, of course not. I wish these were Metallica demos. I’d sell them faster than you can play the riff from “Phantom Lord”.

 

 

I Don’t Want To Wait Until November

Tomorrow is Primary day in Kentucky. I will drag myself to the poll and cast a vote on the Democrat side. Hopefully, the Democrats I vote for will win the primary and go on to win in November.

Four Dems are running for US Congress in my district, against Republican incumbent Brett Guthrie. I wish them the best of luck, for Guthrie is well-funded, and well-regarded by the local Chamber of Commerce types. Guthrie is fine for the good-ol’-boy system in this district, and why should the applecart be upset because of some upstart Dems.

Brett Guthrie votes like he’s told and takes pictures with nice people who come to his office in Washington for a meeting. He talks big about fixing the opioid epidemic and other issues relevant to our state but does little to nothing to address these problems. He sponsors bills by fellow Republican because his own rarely make it out of committee. He will not take meetings with the public. He will not hold a town hall. Once a year during the summer if you’re lucky, he’ll hold “office hours” in each county of the district. In other words, he’ll make himself available for about an hour-and-a-half in some public space during normal working hours, provided you can find him.

Have you heard of the “blue dog” Democrats? A so-called group of hardcore voters who would go so far as to vote for a dog as long as it ran as a Democrat? I would vote for a dog right now over Brett Guthrie. The dog would not vote to make it easier for mentally ill people to buy guns. The dog would not take NRA money. The dog might bark a bit loudly but that’s it. Going walkies a natural a reaction to anything that goes on in Capitol Hill.

We’re supposed to wait until November and then we’ll take back the House! And maybe even the Senate! But I don’t want to wait until November. Why would I wait until that day to take that power from these idiots? There’s a brutal stupidity going on and it effects everyone whether they realize it or not.

I feel like I don’t have that kind of time and yet I don’t know what to do.

Stuff I Want To See In The Freddie Mercury Biopic

The trailer for “Bohemian Rhapsody” was released today to the excitement of millions of fans.

I will be there opening weekend in November when the movie comes out, even though it will likely be a disappointment. Nothing against the filmmakers but music biopics tend to be royally terrible and I have no reason to think that “Bohemian Rhapsody” will be any different no matter how good the individual performances are.

Not to mention that this movie will be a drama, like most biopics. There might be a few slight laughs and some awesome moments but a lot of the focus will likely be on the personal and professional struggles of Freddie Mercury. Conveniently, the movie will end at Live Aid in 1985, six years before Mercury died of AIDS-related complications. So it will end happily, if prematurely.

The thing about rock bands is they tend to be silly and stupid when interacting with each other and the world around them. Even if they are the smartest group of people, they are in such isolation on a level of fame that they lose touch with reality. This makes their concerns way more infuriating and petty and that’s funny to me.

I want to see a funny Queen biopic. And I want it to be a cartoon. Like an adult swim cartoon. Aqua Queen Hunger Force, if you will.

Though it is far too late for reshoots, here are some scenes I would like to see in “Untitled Queen Cartoon Project (Working Title: The Band from Highlander)”.

  • 1970: Freddie suggests the band name itself “Queen”. Brian May and Roger Taylor protest. John Deacon agrees, but is rebuked as he isn’t in the band nor has he actually met the band members yet.
  • Their attempt to go to the store and buy groceries in order to cook a meal as part of a team building project after a terrible argument.
  • Upon learning “Bohemian Rhapsody” is the #1 song in the country, Queen get trapped in an elevator (this actually happened)
  • Two fans freak out upon meeting Freddie, start fighting over his scarf and nearly strangle him to death because its still around his neck (this also happened)
  • Freddie plays “We Are The Champions” on the piano for the other band members and they fell on the floor laughing (yes, really happened)
  • The infamous Bee Gees/Queen parking lot rumble of 1978, where Barry Gibb calls Queen “Abba” and Brian May promises that Queen will never ever reduce themselves to playing dance music.
  • Freddie and John Deacon get extremely drunk and accidentally record “Body Language”.
  • A scene where Freddie attempts to record songs with Michael Jackson but is disturbed MJ’s giant cocaine-snorting llama.
  • Roger Taylor invents Hot Pockets while writing “Radio Ga Ga”
  • Brian May, inspired by a screening of “Death Wish III”, writes power ballad “Who Wants To Live Forever”.