Cruel & Unusual Punishment

Cruel and unusual punishment is forbidden in the United States. It’s in the Bill of Rights. The Eighth Amendment. Most of us know the First and Second Amendments but struggle with Three through Ten. I’ll admit I had to look it up myself.

It’s funny how the Bill of Rights is manipulated. The Second Amendment defended vigorously by some, the Fourth Amendment stripped bare by others, the First Amendment left in the cold like a candle in the wind never knowing who to cling to when the rain comes in.

The Eighth Amendment also forbids “excessive bails… nor fines imposed” but in this day and age when most Americans can’t afford a $500 emergency, bail and fines seem a mite bit excessive. But we’re talking about cruel and unusual punishment, which for example might include the sort of things you’d see in merry Olde England such as being whipped while being dragged by a horse and carriage. Or being drawn and quartered. That’s a funny way to execute a convict.

I had to look up “drawn and quartered” to make sure I knew what I was talking about and it turns out there’s multiple ways to skin that particular cat (one of which involves skinning the punished). I have always associated the drawing and quartering with tying each of a condemned person’s limbs to a horse and then sending all four horses running off on their own separate direction, pulling the body of the condemned ever so apart.

These are cruel and unusual times, ladies and germs. And if anybody deserved cruel and unusual punishment, it is Him. You can guess of whom I speak when I speak of Him. I don’t want to speak the name because it is said enough as is in culture and media. I want to see Him drawn and quartered.

By monster trucks.

Let me make this perfectly clear. I want to see him tied by each hand and foot to four different monster trucks that will all rev up and take off on the same signal. North, south, east and west, each truck in their own different direction. . . until such time that he is torn to pieces, which should be quick because these are monster trucks we’re talking about.

So it isn’t as cruel as you might think.

I hate Him. Most of us hate Him. He is incorrigible, without redeeming human value. We pretend that our country is a beacon of light, higher and mightier than all others but if that were the case a moron like Him would not be allowed within 5000 feet of. . .

He is a monument to human ugliness. Benito Mussolini’s body was dragged through the street and hung on meathooks, desecrated publicly by the Italian countrymen he tormented for so long. Men like Him do not deserve the dignity of a state funeral at the Capital. Nationalism and fascism lead to mass suffering.

Yet there is no ethos beyond self-interest with Him. He doesn’t even mean it. He’s not a true believer. He’s an amoral carny selling a line to the few left to buy it.

What are we waiting for? The cavalry to come in? The people are the heroes now. The people have the monster trucks. How many monster trucks do the government possess?

Exactly.

In your heart, you know this would be tits.

Head & Shoulders

Fuckyou_Honestly

This one has been a long time coming and it is going to be tough to write. This is the sort of thing that would be somebody else’s Facebook status and I’d think it was a cliche but it turns out some things are cliches for a reason.

I don’t have time for flakiness. Next year I will turn forty-one years of age and I’m embracing it as well as I can. If Jay-Z is right and 40 is the new 30, well by God at age 40 one ought to not be a flaky jerk.

I’ve had to cut some people out of my life for this sort of stuff. What do I mean by flaky? Do I mean ghosting on plans to hang out? Do I mean abruptly ceasing a text/FB communication and not picking it up again? Does being flaky mean that on the few times you do pick it back up you’re incredibly patronizing, as if your time is too valuable to waste? I dunno. Seems like it to me.

I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t care, either about the way I was treated or the people who did this to me. It sucks and it hurts to be flaked out on. What did it mean? Was it a way of creating distance?

So I am letting them go. And I didn’t even say goodbye, as much as I wanted to. I didn’t even tell them I was going done with the nonsense nor did I explain why. I couldn’t. Would it even have mattered? I can’t even say “You hurt me with your flaky patronizing bullshit.”

A funny thing happens when you let toxic people go. You get parts of yourself back that you gave them. You almost don’t know what to do with them, those parts of you. You almost want to throw them back like fishing lures. But that won’t work at all. You won’t get the satisfaction you crave. Not a nibble.

It won’t make me feel better to go back and tell anyone off. The only thing that makes sense is to reassure myself that I will be all right, no matter how much I may doubt it at times. I will be all right because I won’t torture myself hanging on to something that isn’t there.

I hope that never happens to me again because I’m too old for this shit like Danny Glover.

The Post That Won’t Die

I have crunched the numbers and my most popular post of 2018 is “WWE Wrestler or Porn Star”. I won’t bother linking it because it has little value.

The premise of the post is for the uninformed reader to guess from a list of names which belong to AVN award-nominated porn stars and which ones belong to WWE women wrestlers. Most of the hits come from non-English speaking countries.

The most reasonable explanation is that a bunch of sad sacks from the Middle East desperately searched for naked pictures of their favorite WWE diva and happened upon my site.

A few well-known women wrestlers’ private pictures and videos have leaked online (most prominent Paige from the WWE) and led to an exceedingly horny fanbase of wrestling fans who want more more MORE.

With no effort on my part, I dashed hopes for the desperate fanatic by supplying not a treasure trove of pix and vids but instead a list of names.

On the bright side, some of the names on the list are porn stars so if you look them up hoping to find nudes you will be more than satisfied. Just don’t expect them to throw German suplexes.

I guess what I’m saying is that you have no control over anything, especially what posts on your blog get the most hits. Look for more lists combining porn star names with wrestlers in 2019. Apparently it works like gangbusters.

Why Do I Have To Know Who This Is?

dumbass

This guy. Why do I have to know who he is? What I have done to deserve this fresh hell?

The music business is filled with artists who have difficult histories. Some of the greatest artists of the modern era have also been terrible people in real life. John Lennon, James Brown, Led Zeppelin, the Rolling Stones, Chuck Berry. . . all important to the advancement of popular music and all have had troubled lives having done legitimately horrible acts to others.

The hip-hop era has continued in this unfortunate tradition. Tupac Shakur, one of the guys that gets wall-sized murals in his honor, had a rape charge on him. Dr. Dre is justifiably recognized as one of the greatest producers but he assaulted a woman reporter. There are very few Chuck D’s who have no criminal record and a lot more like Flavor Flav, who have at least one drug charge.

But we know about these people for a good reason. Talent, charisma, good songs that last the test of time. Tupac could be as eloquent as Lennon in interviews, speaking truth to power. I know who these people are because of their contributions to culture, regardless of their human failures or bad acts.

But this fucking guy. Tekashi 6ix9ine, Why do I know that name? Why do I know his stupid, tattooed face? What is this idiot bringing to the table, creatively? Because the first thing that comes to mind is his going to jail for promoting the performance of a minor. He was videotaped with a thirteen-year-old. I’ll spare you the details. He’s also charged with racketeering, a charge that no rapper has ever been dealt in the history of the genre.

Look at the picture up there if you have the stomach. That is a terminally stupid person with an unfortunate choice of style. Even without the colored hair and the rainbow fronts and the oh so idiotic tattoos, he would still come off as a dumb motherfucker. But those things don’t help.

So we’ve got a guy who is a sex offender, a moron and a talentless oaf. He has the #2 album in America this week. Why has the record industry perpetrated this abomination on the public? Take away that there are impressionable youngsters paying attention to this guy. He just sucks. There is nothing of redeemable value to him. We can easily do without this.

I MEAN GODDAMNIT, EVEN CHRIS BROWN CAN FUCKING DANCE AND SING A LITTLE BIT. AND THAT GUY IS A GARBAGE PERSON. BUT THIS GUY HAS NO REDEEMABLE TALENT. HE LOOKS LIKE A EX-MICHAEL JACKSON IMPERSONATOR WHO HAD A TERRIBLE BREAKDOWN AFTER MJ DIED.

Give George Clinton his hair back, you fucking moron, and kill yourself.

I’m Just Not A Movie Guy

Some movies I have seen in the theater/drive-in.

1988: Who Framed Roger Rabbit

1996: Scream

1996: The People Vs. Larry Flynt

1997: Private Parts

1997: Liar Liar

1997: The Crow: City Of Angels

1998: The Big Lebowski

1999: Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace

2001: The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring

2002: The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers

2002: Star Wars: Episode II – Attack Of The Clones

2002: Auto Focus

2002: Tapeheads

2003: Anger Management

2003: American Splendor

2003: Big Fish

2003: The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King

2004: Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy

2006: Snakes On A Plane

2008: The Dark Knight

2010: Kick-Ass

2018: Bohemian Rhapsody