The Best Albums Of An Entirely Made Up 2020

What a year, huh? I mean, so much to talk about! And what a year in MUSIC! So much to celebrate! This is the time of year when you see these end-of-year best-of lists for albums, and inevitably you’ve never heard of most of these things. In fact, you probably only heard one new song. . . “WAP” by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion. And the only album you heard was Fetch The Bolt Cutters by Fiona Apple. Neither of those things are on this list this year but these entirely made up entries are and rest assured they have no basis in reality whatsoever.

Cim Jarrey, Cim Jarrey I

The post-prog rock of the controversial Phoenix, Arizona’s Cim Jarrey flowers all over their debut album, the first in what is purported to be a multi-part sci-fi epic about the last white man on a post-apocalyptic desiccated Earth. Some people think “Moisture” is a blatant Residents ripoff. Other people think the album’s subject matter is panders to the alt-right. Quite a few people hate the band name. 

Sonic Youth, Dryer

That band you pretended to enjoy in the ’80s and ’90s has been rebooted to be to pretended to be enjoyed by your children now. Much like Ghostbusters, Sonic Youth is now all women. Dryer is a sequel to 1995’s Washing Machine, regarded by all as the best SY album. Everyone in the band is named Khloe. Best track: “Klimb That Mountain”.

IAMAKAT, onlyfans (12″ single)

They didn’t release an album but the debut single by Brooklyn experimental dance music duo IAMAKAT is an indication of where the genre is headed. The daughter of a New York Times Magazine writer and her DJ boyfriend, their first and so far only song is empowering with its’ refrain of “SEX! WORK! IS! REAL! WORK!” over sputtering slippery beats. It is unlikely they will ever record together again.

Black Twitter Wikipedia Page

The most relevant cultural force in America is social media and the most thriving part of social media is Black Twitter. If you tap into the angular strains of Black Twitter, you will be “sipping the tea” and going “Yassss Queen” in no time. But if you’re a confused, agitated Caucasian, where to start? Why not check out the non-musical Wikipedia page about Black Twitter? At least it’s not Scottish Twitter. 

Approaching, Untitled 

Perhaps the best shoegaze-funk band to come out of. . . England, probably since. . . I dunno. . . that other band you probably heard of.  Were they a funk band though? I mean. . . they played a something kind of funk music but they were a rock band. I dunno. All I know is that shoegaze is automatically cool and especially if it comes from England and funk is always great unless Jamiroquai plays it. So there. Listen to Approaching. 

2020 Honorable Mention List

Chunk Harrington & Boot Hooper – The Cattlemen, Vol. 1

Chase The Other Rapper – I Was Going To Send You A Link To My Favorite Pornhub Video But Then My Mom Got A Job

Obligatory LGBTQIA Placeholder Album Goes Here – lorem ipso facto “uplifting”

Bleedy – Demos for Avril Lavigne 

Army Of Fists – Meat Justice

Scott Bakula – Back To Bakula

Smokey & Marmalade – Live via Zoom Call

Baaaaayyyyybaaaayyyyyy – Toxic Masculity, The Mixtape

FEMINISM – Nice Tits

Burning Lava Corporation – An Orgy During A Funeral Where Everyone’s Wearing Blackface

Viper – I wasnt trying but you listened to it anyway

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