Sinatra Would Be Proud

I’ll be forty-two in March, and I like it (I like it). I’d like to live to be eighty-four. If I’m lucky enough to get that far, I hope the second half of my life will be much better than the first half.

I’ve been more successful than I could ever hope for and yet I’m still not satisfied. Once you’ve done things you set out to do, you want to do them again. Then you want to do more. You want to succeed on your own terms. You want to be Sinatra and do it your way. That would be majestic.

“I feel like he took it way more seriously than the audience.” 

Someone in the Louisville music scene said that about me back when I still did comedy rap. He said it to my friend, and probably in confidence too. Yet I couldn’t help but take it to mean that no matter how hard I tried, I would still be a joke. Watch out, everybody. Here he comes. Poor guy. He doesn’t know.

GAHHH WHY WOULD MY FRIEND TELL ME THAT? THERE’S PLENTY OF TALKIN’ STUPID SHIT THAT WE DON’T SHARE WITH EACH OTHER! BECAUSE WE HAVE FILTERS! WE AVOID FULL TRANSPARENCY BECAUSE WE DON’T WANT TO HURT EACH OTHER’S FEELINGS! WHO DOES THIS?

But was he right? Did I take it seriously? Too seriously? Why would he say that? Because I made comedy music?

He probably forgot about as soon as he said it. What does that say about me? Get over yourself, Mike.

It wouldn’t have hurt so long if he weren’t more successful than me. He did things I hadn’t done and never will.

I’m a dope from Ohio County. Someone like me should be on American Idol for twenty seconds doing that song from RENT while the judges cringe. “Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. . .”

Any success I’ve ever had is the result of God’s kindness. I was a Wesley Willis disciple who listened to the Beach Boys. Then I did comedy rap. I was in a prog band for thirteen years. I never fit in and I’m not cool. If I wanted to make it, I’ve done all it wrong.

I toured the US and Canada. I took Greyhounds between cities and used a debit card but I did it. I’m amazed that I pulled that off. When I was on that show on Comedy Central, I played my comedy music in a segment. I recorded a lot of songs I wrote with the help of people who believed in me. I take it seriously because it’s my life’s work. So what if a big chunk of it sucked?

If anything, considering what I did. . . maybe it’s everybody else who took themselves seriously. Not saying I didn’t but in a different way.

Now that I think about it, I was mad about that way too long. You got to let old wounds heal. Now I’m just hurt my friend (?) told me that. I don’t need to know when people are talking about me, especially something like that. What the fuck? I’ve been an outsider my whole life. I don’t need to be reminded.

Who gets to decide who the outsiders are, anyway?

 

 

“Life Is Precious, And God, And The Bible” – Kanye West

 

kanyemaga

I finally listened to Kanye West’s new album event. I think it’s called Not Only Is The Emperor Not Wearing Any Clothes, The Emperor Is Not Even An Emperor. Let me get my bias out of the way. Kanye West is a fraud. He has been a fraud his entire career. The promotion of Kanye West is one of the great snowjobs of post-2000 music. At least Taylor Swift never sold $120 plain white t-shirts.

Taylor Swift, who also sucks, is nowhere near the culture vulture that Kanye West is. “Bound 2” from Yeezus sounds like a bunch of browser tabs with audio playing at the same time and the lyrics are the wrong kind of dumb (“I wanna fuck you hard on the sink/after that, fix you something to drink/Step back, can’t get spunk on the mink). He made a terrible video for it with his fame-whore wife on a motorcycle that even she seemed to be embarrassed to be in. His main influence while making that album was a fucking lamp.

The choir sound nice on the the new album’s first song, but it doesn’t go anywhere. Oh, it’s an intro? How was I supposed to know? All the songs are so short. The album is twenty-seven minutes long.

“On God” is pretty good. “God Is” proves he’s finally using Autotune as it was originally intended instead of the weird way that he did on 808s and Heartbreaks that T-Pain made an entire career out of. Or maybe Kanye isn’t using Autotune and that’s his real voice. Somebody should ask him, especially if they don’t mind never talking to him again. “Closed On Sunday” is embarrassing. The main problem with “Water” is Kanye being on it. Kenny G is on this album, because The Lord commanded it.

In 1979, Bob Dylan made his first of three Christian albums. Bob Dylan wanted to tell everyone about Jesus because he’d been a Christian for about twenty minutes. Kanye is not a new convert. After all, he made “Jesus Walks” but he also sang “If I fuck this model and if she bleached her asshole and I get bleach on my t-shirt, I’ma feel like an asshole”. So fuck this guy. I can’t help it. I hate him.

Maybe he felt like an asshole because he paid $120 for that shirt.

Nobody’s asking him to pull a Cat Stevens and go away for 25 years I am. but who wants to hear a guy of newfound faith preach about something he just learned? I mentioned Bob Dylan because every new convert does this and IT IS IRRITATING. We already have Christian music, made by people who won’t ditch it as soon as it stops being profitable. . . or as soon as they start taking their meds again. Whichever comes first.

It will be easier for Kim Kardashian to pass through the eye of a needle than it will be for Kanye West to get into Heaven. How dare this rich prick lecture anybody about Christ? This album is Hell. The value system behind it is Hell. Kanye’s enduring fame is Hell. Jesus isn’t dead, he just smells bad.

There’s one and two halves of a good song on this album and those two halves are on different tracks. Anyone who says it’s better than that is a liar.

I never forgave him for “Drunk & Hot Girls”.