Stuff I Want To See In The Freddie Mercury Biopic

The trailer for “Bohemian Rhapsody” was released today to the excitement of millions of fans.

I will be there opening weekend in November when the movie comes out, even though it will likely be a disappointment. Nothing against the filmmakers but music biopics tend to be royally terrible and I have no reason to think that “Bohemian Rhapsody” will be any different no matter how good the individual performances are.

Not to mention that this movie will be a drama, like most biopics. There might be a few slight laughs and some awesome moments but a lot of the focus will likely be on the personal and professional struggles of Freddie Mercury. Conveniently, the movie will end at Live Aid in 1985, six years before Mercury died of AIDS-related complications. So it will end happily, if prematurely.

The thing about rock bands is they tend to be silly and stupid when interacting with each other and the world around them. Even if they are the smartest group of people, they are in such isolation on a level of fame that they lose touch with reality. This makes their concerns way more infuriating and petty and that’s funny to me.

I want to see a funny Queen biopic. And I want it to be a cartoon. Like an adult swim cartoon. Aqua Queen Hunger Force, if you will.

Though it is far too late for reshoots, here are some scenes I would like to see in “Untitled Queen Cartoon Project (Working Title: The Band from Highlander)”.

  • 1970: Freddie suggests the band name itself “Queen”. Brian May and Roger Taylor protest. John Deacon agrees, but is rebuked as he isn’t in the band nor has he actually met the band members yet.
  • Their attempt to go to the store and buy groceries in order to cook a meal as part of a team building project after a terrible argument.
  • Upon learning “Bohemian Rhapsody” is the #1 song in the country, Queen get trapped in an elevator (this actually happened)
  • Two fans freak out upon meeting Freddie, start fighting over his scarf and nearly strangle him to death because its still around his neck (this also happened)
  • Freddie plays “We Are The Champions” on the piano for the other band members and they fell on the floor laughing (yes, really happened)
  • The infamous Bee Gees/Queen parking lot rumble of 1978, where Barry Gibb calls Queen “Abba” and Brian May promises that Queen will never ever reduce themselves to playing dance music.
  • Freddie and John Deacon get extremely drunk and accidentally record “Body Language”.
  • A scene where Freddie attempts to record songs with Michael Jackson but is disturbed MJ’s giant cocaine-snorting llama.
  • Roger Taylor invents Hot Pockets while writing “Radio Ga Ga”
  • Brian May, inspired by a screening of “Death Wish III”, writes power ballad “Who Wants To Live Forever”.