A Handsome And Intelligent Man

I’m listening to my very first EP from 1998. Egad, it’s terrible. Just kidding. It’s brilliant and amazing and I had it all figured out at such an early stage. No really, it sucks but it should suck.

The music was performed using the canned beats from a Casio keyboard. I was 19 and Marky E was 16 and neither one of us could play an instrument but what we could do… I don’t know if we could do anything, actually. We just tried. Two of the songs weren’t even written. They just happened.

We sang about rednecks, scenesters, goth kids, and cybersex. (in 1998, we couldn’t just send dick pics to each other over the phone… we didn’t have Snapchat. We had AOL.)

These songs are stupid as shit. I could still write these kind of songs if I wanted to. Just now I came up with something while waiting for something to microwave…


I’m getting gay with your dad

I’m getting gay with your dad

We’re gonna get in the truck

I’m gonna learn how to fuck

I’m getting gay with your dad





I could write that kind of shit all day every day. I’m trying to progress artistically, alright? You people don’t understand me at all.

There are hardcore Metallica fans who want to hear their earliest demos, like recordings from before their first album. Metallica is probably “what the fuck, we’re way better than that now… why do you still like our first album so damn much? Let it go.” Because the earliest stuff you do is gonna feel kid’s play compared to when you get good if you ever get lucky enough to get better at music.

At least Metallica could play guitars and stuff. This thing I did… is just a dummy with a Casio who listened to too much Dead Milkmen and Public Enemy and his friend who’s just along for the ride.

Is there any historical value to my first EP? No, of course not. I wish these were Metallica demos. I’d sell them faster than you can play the riff from “Phantom Lord”.



I Don’t Want To Wait Until November

Tomorrow is Primary day in Kentucky. I will drag myself to the poll and cast a vote on the Democrat side. Hopefully, the Democrats I vote for will win the primary and go on to win in November.

Four Dems are running for US Congress in my district, against Republican incumbent Brett Guthrie. I wish them the best of luck, for Guthrie is well-funded, and well-regarded by the local Chamber of Commerce types. Guthrie is fine for the good-ol’-boy system in this district, and why should the applecart be upset because of some upstart Dems.

Brett Guthrie votes like he’s told and takes pictures with nice people who come to his office in Washington for a meeting. He talks big about fixing the opioid epidemic and other issues relevant to our state but does little to nothing to address these problems. He sponsors bills by fellow Republican because his own rarely make it out of committee. He will not take meetings with the public. He will not hold a town hall. Once a year during the summer if you’re lucky, he’ll hold “office hours” in each county of the district. In other words, he’ll make himself available for about an hour-and-a-half in some public space during normal working hours, provided you can find him.

Have you heard of the “blue dog” Democrats? A so-called group of hardcore voters who would go so far as to vote for a dog as long as it ran as a Democrat? I would vote for a dog right now over Brett Guthrie. The dog would not vote to make it easier for mentally ill people to buy guns. The dog would not take NRA money. The dog might bark a bit loudly but that’s it. Going walkies a natural a reaction to anything that goes on in Capitol Hill.

We’re supposed to wait until November and then we’ll take back the House! And maybe even the Senate! But I don’t want to wait until November. Why would I wait until that day to take that power from these idiots? There’s a brutal stupidity going on and it effects everyone whether they realize it or not.

I feel like I don’t have that kind of time and yet I don’t know what to do.

Stuff I Want To See In The Freddie Mercury Biopic

The trailer for “Bohemian Rhapsody” was released today to the excitement of millions of fans.

I will be there opening weekend in November when the movie comes out, even though it will likely be a disappointment. Nothing against the filmmakers but music biopics tend to be royally terrible and I have no reason to think that “Bohemian Rhapsody” will be any different no matter how good the individual performances are.

Not to mention that this movie will be a drama, like most biopics. There might be a few slight laughs and some awesome moments but a lot of the focus will likely be on the personal and professional struggles of Freddie Mercury. Conveniently, the movie will end at Live Aid in 1985, six years before Mercury died of AIDS-related complications. So it will end happily, if prematurely.

The thing about rock bands is they tend to be silly and stupid when interacting with each other and the world around them. Even if they are the smartest group of people, they are in such isolation on a level of fame that they lose touch with reality. This makes their concerns way more infuriating and petty and that’s funny to me.

I want to see a funny Queen biopic. And I want it to be a cartoon. Like an adult swim cartoon. Aqua Queen Hunger Force, if you will.

Though it is far too late for reshoots, here are some scenes I would like to see in “Untitled Queen Cartoon Project (Working Title: The Band from Highlander)”.

  • 1970: Freddie suggests the band name itself “Queen”. Brian May and Roger Taylor protest. John Deacon agrees, but is rebuked as he isn’t in the band nor has he actually met the band members yet.
  • Their attempt to go to the store and buy groceries in order to cook a meal as part of a team building project after a terrible argument.
  • Upon learning “Bohemian Rhapsody” is the #1 song in the country, Queen get trapped in an elevator (this actually happened)
  • Two fans freak out upon meeting Freddie, start fighting over his scarf and nearly strangle him to death because its still around his neck (this also happened)
  • Freddie plays “We Are The Champions” on the piano for the other band members and they fell on the floor laughing (yes, really happened)
  • The infamous Bee Gees/Queen parking lot rumble of 1978, where Barry Gibb calls Queen “Abba” and Brian May promises that Queen will never ever reduce themselves to playing dance music.
  • Freddie and John Deacon get extremely drunk and accidentally record “Body Language”.
  • A scene where Freddie attempts to record songs with Michael Jackson but is disturbed MJ’s giant cocaine-snorting llama.
  • Roger Taylor invents Hot Pockets while writing “Radio Ga Ga”
  • Brian May, inspired by a screening of “Death Wish III”, writes power ballad “Who Wants To Live Forever”.

Tips About Dating From A Celibate

Have you heard about this “incel” thing? If you have, then you don’t need me to explain. If you haven’t I will not explain it to you here and I caution you to avoid looking it up because it will make you depressed about humanity. Let’s be honest, there are so many things that can dishearten us. Why add to the list unless we absolutely must?


Man and Woman. Mars and Venus. Blue and Pink. Eating laundry pods and the cinnamon challenge. A mystery as old as time and as irritating as sunburn with no aloe to put on it.

I can help you. I’m out of the game, folks. I should write a book about it and sell it or something. If Steve Harvey can do it, why not me?

There are two things you need to know in this dating life. 1. Men are trash. 2. Women aint shit.

That’s it.

Men are trash. Women aint shit. You’re welcome.

I know you’re tempted to elaborate on the many ways men are trash or the many ways women aint shit but I’m gonna have to ask you to put that on the backburner and get your dicks out of your hearts for a moment. Also, you can’t say that one is because of the other nor can you say one is true but the other is more true. You’re only making yourself more miserable when you don’t do that.

If you’re a woman and you attempt to show cause why men are more trash then women are not shit, you will give yourself a headache and accomplish nothing. The men who already know about the worst of our worstness are on your side and the ones who don’t don’t care. Be mad at the sun.

If you are a man and you attempt to deflect from the intrinsic trashiness of your kind by sharing anecdotes about women not being worth shit, you will accomplish nothing except showing women what a trashbag s.o.b. you are. Maybe you’re not a trashbag s.o.b. but you appear to be a defender of such and that’s just about as bad.

In the world of equations, we have x and y. We don’t have x but y or x because of y. Nor do we have yes x but y is worse. We only have x and y. Men are trash and women aint shit. This is no hill to die on.