Wrestlemania weekend came and went and I binged on it. I watched too much wrestling and I ate too much food. Never even made it to New Orleans, the host for this year’s Mania.
My stomach hurts like a bastard because I had too many snacks. The GERD hit me like a flash and I felt like I was back in the bad old days. I have to stop watching wrestling. It is killing me.
Let’s talk about wrestling. Wrestlemania was a typical WWE dish with more wrestling than one could require. It was a seven-hour show. I should have been intoxicated. There’s no other way to watch seven straight hours of wrestling.
I would like to take a moment to make a list of wrestling bros that are good for drinking beer with in a parking lot.
John Cena. Total bro. 10/10. Spent the first two matches of Wrestlemania in the crowd watching the show. Absolutely would drink beer in the parking lot before and after the show.
Daisuke Sekimoto. Big Japan bro. Totally the kind of guy who you can get baked and eat popcorn with while staring off into nowhere before snapping out of it to arm wrestle on the bed of a truck.
Nick Gage. MDK. Totally loves us and will completely beat the shit out of anybody who talks shit about him therefore we don’t. Drink beer in the parking lot and if somebody starts some shit turn around so you can plausibly tell the cops you didn’t see anything.
Rusev. Another WWE bro. If he grills out, even better.
Mark Zuckerberg. Facebook bro. Not a wrestler. Totally harvesting our personal data to use against us. 11/10 would drink beer in the parking lot before hitting him in the stomach.
Ray Davies. Kinks songwriter/singer. Former WWE Intercontinental champion. Would drink lager in the parking lot while taking medication. Wrote “You Really Got Me” which is pretty good but no John Cena theme song.
Alice Cooper. 1/10 WOULD NOT DRINK BEER WITH. Addict in recovery, sober since the 80’s. Appeared at Wrestlemania III. Would talk to him about Jesus Christ Superstar while drinking bottled water.
Kerry Kenney-Silver. Not a bro. Trudy from “Reno 911”. Best woman bro to drink parking lot beer with (except possibly Kate Bush).
Twitter. Great social media app. Would party with 10/10 24/7/364. Rockin’ out like a bad mofo. Co-wrote most of the great rap hits of the last fifteen years.