Burn The Past

On the eve of my 40th birthday, I need to do something. Burn the past.

Tonight I’m going to write a letter to the past. Tomorrow I will borrow a lighter from my mom’s husband and I will burn that letter, letting the ashes fall to the ground. The smoke will carry off into the sky and I will move on.

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In the old days the film would turn your eyes red. Instafilters don’t replicate that. Hmm.

Mistakes were made. Bad decisions were made. The wrong people were trusted.

It’s alright. It’s over. It’s behind me. A new start. A new life. Starting now.

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I guess if I wanted to look back, I could say that I’ve gone three months without any soft drinks. And that is a great feeling. I don’t miss soda. I enjoy water. Tap water, even. I’m drinking tea more. It’s like I’m changing all the time.

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And yet as I write this, New Japan Pro Wrestling is on in the background. Some things never change.

I have no idea what I’m going to write but it won’t be long. One page, tops. Screw the past. Mindfulness, is that what they call it?

 

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We Need To Talk About Presidential Dick

This is not fun for me to write. Because we are talking about the dick of the man who is ostensibly our President and the odds that we will eventually if not soon see a picture of his dick.

Today came a tweet that gave millions the fear. It contained these words:

Stormy’s Lawyer on MSNBC. I’ll paraphrase. “We have photos of Trump’s penis”.

I will not share the source of the tweet because that person has no credibility. Read the actual quote from Daniels’ lawyer here.

Stormy Daniels is an adult film star. An award-winning porn star. A Hall of Fame porn star. She was and is very good at her job. She had an affair with Trump, whose lawyer paid her six figures to not talk about an affair that took place in 2006, the year Stormy won “Favorite Breasts” at the Fans of Adult Media and Entertainment (FAME) Awards.

Daniels’ lawyer mentioned that his client has other documents regarding her affair with the “President”. That does not equal dick pics. At least it I hope not.

Yet it gave me the fear. It’s giving you the fear as you read this. Because we don’t want it to be true and yet so many of our worst fears about this world are true. Parts of our country are disaster areas. Some of our fellow Americans are willfully ignorant and hateful. People in power act in bad faith constantly. Why wouldn’t there be a picture of Trump’s dick floating around just waiting to ruin everybody’s life forever?

We’ve all laughed at the idea of a pee tape. You can imagine it being black and white, grainy and out of focus like security cam footage. In the distance, you’d see the action. But a dick pic? That would be up close and personal. Way too up close.

And it would never go away.

Think about it. The internet is forever. It is inevitable that we will see nude pics of a future president. Consider our social media/Snapchat/cloud culture. Today’s nude Snapchatting teen will be swearing on a Bible at the Capitol thirty years from now.

But Trump’s dick? You want to throw up just thinking about it. If we see it, we will all see it. We will never escape it. Take lemonparty, meatspin, goatse and multiply them by infinity. Trump’s dick will be like that. 2 girls 1 cup? 1 guy 1 jar? Kim K Superstar? 1 Night in Paris? Pamela and Tommy Lee? This is the culmination.

We will live in a post-Trump dick universe. His dick will be everywhere, like giant posters of Mao in China. We will be made to carry little red books with illustrations of Trump’s dick in it. You will get a text from your friends and open it up and it’s a picture of Trump’s dick and with the caption “YOU JUST LOST THE GAME”.

You know about the game? The game that you don’t play until you find out you just lost it? Trump’s dick will be the new game. And we will never escape it.

The world will not end with a bang or a whimper but with a dick. A grey, sad dick.

It will be a watershed moment, mostly because we will never stop crying.

WWE Wrestler or Porn Star

 

I’ve started watching wrestling again, and by wrestling I mean “WWE” and when I mean again I mean “sometimes, with a distant eye in case they pull some shit that drives me up a wall”. It should not surprise you that the WWE wrestlers are in incredible shape and often look like they are cut out of marble. Look at them closer and you’ll see an absence of body hair. Once upon a time, wrestlers looked rugged and wild. You’d see wooly hair all over and they’d have beer bellies and sailor tattoos and missing front teeth. Not anymore, and especially not in the WWE. You’re going to see well-defined abs, bulging pecs and the women are likely to have big bolt-on tits, thick makeup and ridiculous hair extensions.

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The “good old days” of pro wrestling

Their names are also generic. WWE gives them new stage names. Only a select few (like John Cena) get to go by their given name. Some of them sound kinda porny.

Don’t believe me? Have you ever heard of a guy named Dolph Ziggler? Dirk Diggler, Dolph Ziggler. Make the connection. In the 90’s, WWE had a porn-star character named Val Venis, but they’re not going in that adult-humor direction anymore. Now they just look like porn stars instead.

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Dolph Ziggler

Porn and WWE have a lot in common: industries based on perception and looks, widely held in contempt by mainstream media, necessary viewer suspension of disbelief (that these two men hate each other or that this girl really wants to see you masturbate). And though I’m no insider, I bet there’s a lot of politicking in both industries.

With that out of the way, here’s something for the non-fan. Try to guess which names I list here are porn stars and which ones are WWE wrestlers. I will use AVN Award nominees as guinea pigs in my little game here. AVN stands for Adult Video News so figure it out.

Simple test: John Cena, Stormy Daniels

If you guessed that John Cena was the wrestler and Stormy Daniels was the porn star then bleh bleh bleh… you know the deal.

Mandingo, Fandango

Alexa Bliss, Alexa Grace

Tommy Gunn, Tyler Breeze, Curtis Axel, Axel Braun,

Sonya DeVille, Cherie Deville, Zack Ryder, Ryan Ryder

Asa Akira, Asuka, Abella Danger, Ruby Riott, Jules Jordan, Jason Jordan

Bo Dallas, Markus Dupree, Sasha Banks, Keisha Grey, Bella Rose, Mandy Rose

Foxxy, Alicia Fox, Aidra Fox, Nia Jax, Venus Lux, Tyler Bate (TYLER BATE?)*

Aliyah, Aaliyah Love, Natalia Starr, Violet Starr, Ember Moon, Mike Quasar

Rowan, Harper, Hunter, Rusev, Dredd, Mason, Big E, Danny D

I didn’t make any of these up. I either took them from the wikipedia for “List of WWE personnel” or “35th AVN Award”. And as far as me telling you who’s who. . . you’re on your own. Do a Google search. Do it at work, I don’t care. It’s not my job.

 

 

*I am being informed that Tyler Bate’s real name is Tyler Bate. Go figure.
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Does this guy look like a porn star to you?

I’m Basically 40

My fortieth birthday is in three weeks. Officially that is when I turn forty years of age. I say “officially” because I pretty much am forty already.

Look at it this way: I’m 39 years and 343 days old today. Close enough.

I’ve made peace with it. I made peace with it long ago. Way back when I was twenty-seven, I was mortified at the idea that I would eventually be thirty. I’ve been staring down the barrel of forty ever since and it really doesn’t matter.

How little changed in those years. About me, that is. Not enough to suit me.

Right now, the zip is not on my fastball. Everything is hell. You are hell. I am hell. Nothing matters and the center will not hold. Good. I was always on the fringe. The bastards should drown like I will.

Happy birthday!