A Riot of My Own

Sunday was fair to decent. The Patriots lost the Super Bowl. Everyone hates Justin Timberlake now. Also, the Patriots lost the Super Bowl. This gives me a warm feeling inside.

Philadelphia beat New England to win the Super Bowl, their first ever SB and their first NFL championship of any kind since the JFK administration. As you might imagine, the town dubbed “Filthydelphia” handled this victory with a high level of class and dignity.



God help me but the cracker part of me loves a good sports riot and Philadelphia did not disappoint me. A man ate horse manure voluntarily. Because his team won the big game. I hate “sportsball” and “handegg” jokes as much as anybody else but nobody will dig into animal excrement if Guillermo Del Toro wins the Best Director Oscar.

Looking at this riot footage, I have to ask: where are the fathers?

Why are these young white men destroying their own property? They’re just hurting their own neighbors with all this property damage. And for what purpose? Such a barbaric, savage response to. . . victory.

And the profanity! Must you use such language to make your point, Philadelphia fans?

I know this seems like a bash of one particular city but trust me it would happen in Boston had the Patriots won. It’s not an exclusively white phenomenon, but it mostly white people who engage in this sort of activity. No black guy would ever eat horse shit, I don’t care how drunk he gets. Only white guys would chant “BIG DICK NICK” to celebrate the team’s quarterback. Only white guys could get away with standing on the Ritz-Carlton hotel awning en masse.

Black people can’t even huddle together and dance in the street while somebody holds up a boombox without the red and blues showing up. Meanwhile, you got  white people flipping cars and tearing down light poles. Would you really blame the cops if they just started thwapping every white guy in a Eagles jersey with their batons?

But so help me I love it. It’s my Real Housewives trainwreck must-view. I was glued to the Philadelphia police scanner after the game. It was a glorious trainwreck. It took a lot of effort by the authorities there to contain all that action.

The main thing I want you to take away is this: Justin Timberlake is terrible and has always been terrible. I have hated him ever since he was in N*Sync and I will never stop hating him. When he or his career finally dies, perhaps I will be like these Eagles fans and flip cars and destroy property. Out of sheer joy, obviously.