Bring Me The Head Of Vince McMahon

Mark E. Smith died so that the XFL may live. That’s my story and I’m willing to change it.

Vince McMahon of the WWE is going to revive the XFL, a football league that ran for one season in 2001 before shutting down after losing over $40 million dollars. The new XFL is scheduled to open in 2020. I like this simply because the idea of shutting down for nineteen years between seasons prevents dynasties from developing and increases parity between teams. The NFL could learn from the XFL. That way the Patriots would only have one Super Bowl trophy instead of five.

McMahon did a teleconference a few days ago where he gave mostly vague answers about the league. He did not name any cities that would have franchises, for example. What he did mention was a zero tolerance policy for players who have committed crimes in his league. Even if they had committed a DUI, he said.

Irony: Jey Uso, a WWE wrestler, was arrested for DUI about two weeks ago. WWE just fired Enzo Amore for being subject of a rape investigation in Arizona and suspended Rich Swann for being charged with domestic violence. Apparently, the new XFL is supposed to be a tighter ship than the WWE.

What McMahon offered at most could be described as dog-whistling for lapsed NFL fans still butthurt over player protests during the national anthem. Everyone will stand the anthem, though McMahon stated this would not be a political league. Of course it won’t. Standing during the anthem, no criminals, no politics, family-friendly. Signaling to white people that this is a league for them. No difficult uppity types, you know.

I hate Vince McMahon so damn much. Donald Trump’s friend spending $100 million dollars to restart a league that lost an incredible amount of money the first time. I need this league to fail just so I can see McMahon fail publicly one last time before he croaks. I loved it when he spent $50 million on two failed Senate campaigns for his wife. I loved it when he lost money on his pet project World Bodybuilding Federation. I need one more jolt of schadenfreude from Vince before he dies because he’s in his seventies and this may finish him off once and for all.

Then again it may not. The mean and corrupt get old while the wild and free die young. Mark E. Smith passed away age sixty. Sure you can make a fair point that Mark wouldn’t go to a doctor unless there was a pub in the waiting room but still. . . pile up Mark’s sins against Vince’s and it’s no contest. Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond lived a long time, as well.

I won’t pretend to be a Fall superfan. I feel about them the same way Brian Eno felt about Frank Zappa, as in I’m glad he did what he did even though I couldn’t possibly enjoy all or most of his work. Although there are a few Fall songs that I like such as “Fantastic Life” and “Disney’s Dream Debased”. Perhaps my favorite is “Elves” which musically is the riff from Iggy’s “I Wanna Be Your Dog” while Mark distortedly spits into the mic. And when I mean spits, I mean he actually spits and it’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard in a non-comedy song.

 

The Fall is dead, long live the Fall. And as long as the XFL haven’t named franchises yet, I’d like to make a few suggestions.

  • Charlottesville Roadrunners
  • Ferguson Blues
  • New Orleans Non-Unionized Laborers
  • Louisville Tax Incentive Receivers
  • San Diego One-Year Qualcomm Stadium Tenants
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