Muy Yum! The Vast Expanse

In the likelihood that the University of Louisville men’s basketball team receives the “death penalty” from the NCAA for repeated major violations, that means that the vaunted KFC Yum! Center (est. 2010) will be have a lot of open dates after the penalty comes down.

The death penalty for a program means no games. Nothing. No preseason, no season, no postseason. No practices. No recruiting. Not a thing. Death. Death. Death. Pure death to a program. It is so severe that the NCAA has only used it five times in its’ history. Make no mistake, Louisville would deserve it after having been ensnared in a FBI investigation, having paid a madam to bring underage girls to service players on the men’s team, and the various peccadilloes of head coach Rick Pitino, who has plead ignorance to everything even as he was put on unpaid leave Wednesday afternoon.

But let’s not concentrate on the downfall of the Cardinals’ men’s program. Let’s look at the open schedule at the Yum! Center. Sure, there will still be the UL Women’s basketball and volleyball programs but they don’t have the juice that big-time men’s basketball has.

Some people seem to think that this will motivate the city of Louisville to recruit a NBA team to move to their town in order to fill the gap left by the Cards. It may happen, but here are some other events that I think are just as if not more likely to fill in the empty dates at the Yum! Center in the near future (probably 2018-beyond).

  • Flat-track roller derby (the Derby City Roller Girls)
  • Life-sized holograms of classic Cards basketball games.
  • Toughman competitions
  • Banked-track roller derby
  • Animal fighting (chickens, dogs, et al.)
  • Indoor football
  • Trump rallies
  • Clogging marathons
  • Figure-eight-track weaponized androgynous roller derby (the most dangerous variant of roller derby, with zip guns, bisexuality and ATVs)
  • Eating contests
  • Karaoke for 20,000
  • Organized group cursings of Kentucky Wildcats and their fans
  • Joel Osteen buying the place and turning it into a church
  • World’s shittiest beer garden